We all want better for our children than we have for ourselves, but when raising our daughters, it's critical we reflect the image we want them to achieve. As women, we often over extend ourselves, not taking the time for self-reflection, development, diversion, or meditation to keep our focus clear. Our own self-abandonment takes a toll on us, yes, but also takes a toll on our daughters. They find themselves without a role model which can fuel confusion and lack of orientation in the critical teenage years. How wonderful it is for a young lady to see their mother or mentor as a critical source of inspiration and strength - a beacon that their future is also bright!
Since I am raising a ballet dancer, I have observed many mothers and daughters over the years. Imagine spending 30 hours a week in front of a mirror in a leotard and tights. This is my daughter's reality. Think confidence is essential, now? Regardless of your daughter's passion, it most certainly is! Here are 7 things I have observed of mothers and daughters who foster confidence the most successfully:
1. Mothers should take care of themselves, first - We all have really big responsibilities, but our daughters are watching us. Do we value ourselves? Are we making an effort to look and feel our best? How can we expect this of our daughters if we are not watching out for ourselves? Get up a little earlier, take a walk, eat something healthy, do your hair and makeup if that's your thing. If we are making an effort to feel our best, we will be happier and more able to perform all the tasks "on the list" with greater energy and stamina. Our attitudes improve, and our daughters see our joy. It elevates them when we elevate ourselves. What greater way for our daughters to have confidence and joy than when they see us loving our lives as women and embracing our challenges each day with optimism.
2. It's about your health, moms, not about your weight - I read a post recently by Kasey Edwards about this topic that really brought this home to me. If we, as moms and mentors, are talking about our weight all the time, what will our daughters be thinking about? My daughter is a dancer and, yes, there are always concerns about perceptions of what is healthy in that career. When I read Kasey's post I realized, I need to be talking about my own health and how I am maintaining it. If I make that a priority, she will, too. Her thought process will be more about health and fitness and not her weight. The weight will take care of itself if health is the focus.
3. Keep your comments positive about other people's daughters - A couple of times a year, parents are invited into the "inner sanctum" of the ballet studios for "parent watch week." This is such a great time and we get to enjoy all of the hard work our dancers put into their art form. If we leave the studio and all we talk about in the car is how this dancer "does this" or "looks like this," what will our daughters be thinking when other people are observing? Won't they be asking themselves, "What are they thinking or saying about me?" Being supportive of all the daughters in your life, not just your own, will help boost your own daughter's self-image. If you refrain from negative conversations, gossip, and criticism of others, it will help your own daughter drive her path with less distraction as she will not be worrying about "what other people think." Keep the conversations positive, be kind, be focused on the best in others, and it will help your daughter do the same when she is thinking about herself.
4. Confidently represent your value system - There is no greater uncertainty that a child faces than a parent who says "do as I say...not as I do." We are not perfect, but we all have a finite set of core values or principals we think are critical to joy and success in life. Talk about these with your daughter. Even share, at the right time, how you correct your course when you fall short. Let her learn these from your example, and also at her own pace. I had a wise mom say to me once, "We all want for our kids what we wanted after we wised up." How true, right? We cannot expect our children to go through life having learned all of the lessons we learned, vicariously. Be patient. Your daughter will arrive at her own time as these principals take shape through wisdom and experience.
5. Foster your friendship - There is so much business in the lives of mothers and daughters - school, church, activities...there is always somewhere we "have to go" or something that "needs to get done." Take time away from these things - have fun - let her drive the conversation. Let it be as light or as serious as she needs at the time. Don't be impatient and drive too deep, she'll dive in when she's ready. The picture I am sharing is from December, 2014 - my daughter and I took out the swan boats on Lake Eola between Orlando Ballet Nutcracker performances - JUST FOR FUN! Make these memories, they will help to shape your daughter and your friendship.
6. Encourage her relationship with her dad - Depending on your family dynamic, this may or may not be easily achieved. It's critical to a girl's identity to be confident that she is loved by both parents and that she has an independent relationship with each. Always speak positively to your daughter about her father, regardless of your history or emotions at the moment. Do not berate her father or vent your dissatisfaction to your daughter about any current or prior event. As we develop friendships with our daughter, it's easy to let our guard down, or due to our own insecurity, wish for others to align with us when there is enmity or emotions are high. If you need that, it is understood, we all need support at times - but do not pull your daughter into that world. Let her experience with her dad be her own. Encourage it. It will pay off for her and for you. It's part of her core identity. Let that be a part of her beauty that shines through.
7. Let her dreams be her own - One thing I have always felt passionate about is letting my daughter drive her own dreams. It's critical she owns all of the next steps and sees her future clearly. If I were to insert myself, it would only muddy her waters. When I watch class or a performance, I watch with supportive, not critical, eyes. She has plenty of teachers, coaches, and directors to give her correction and, like any artist, she is her own worst critic. She doesn't need one more in me. I work hard to ensure she has the best instruction and support we can find. It's my job to foster and facilitate her opportunities and dreams, not to drive them.
If we love our daughters for who they are, and ensure we are setting the pace and example for them, they will grow up to be the woman of their dreams!