Life happens...then it happens again. When we fall in love, we are generally on top of the world. It feels like the best time in our life, and we can only imagine that "happily ever after" we dreamed of as kids will last forever. This good fortune can last for years. However, even the best of relationships experience challenges they never anticipate - financial ruin, death of a loved one, addiction, illness, disappointment, the potential list is endless. How can these trials turn into catalysts to deepen our relationships, and firm up the foundation of our future? See five things couples can do to not only survive, but to thrive in the most challenging of times.
1. respect the process
Opposites attract, so why are so many of us surprised when our partner does not process an unforeseen challenge in the manner or at the pace that we do? My husband and I are the classic case of this. I am a "fixer" so as soon as I recognize a problem, I go into research mode and have the whole solution over-rehearsed in my mind while my husband is still thinking, "Wait, is it really a problem? Is it really THAT problem?" We are all going to process challenges differently, and at different cadences. The first thing that is critical to implement is respect for one another as you define the issue, what it means to you, and how it may impact your future.
2. focus on listening - not messaging
After both partners have recognized and defined the problem, this is not the time to start laying out the case for your solution. If you communicate like you have all the answers while your partner is still authoring an approach that seems reasonable to them, it can shut down the communication channels and resolution efforts will take at least two steps back. Everyone's research and approach is valid, but while the solution emerges, position your partner's feelings, perspectives, and observations at the forefront so you can co-author a solution that works best for your relationship.
3. the only viable plan is the one you agree upon
It is absolutely critical that no plan is executed until you and your partner are unified in the plan. For the "fixers" this means you need to exercise a little patience while your partner observes, and processes. They will lend so much to the perspective once they are ready, and these insights could have the most pivotal impact on success. If you are the observer in the relationship, be patient, and take it all in. Be honest if you are not ready to execute, but be geniunely grateful for the energy your partner is putting into potential solutions. Listen intently, respect their efforts and take time digest the information. In time, and with open dialogue, you will arrive at a plan that you both feel great about, and there is really no plan until you both agree that there is one.
4. take care of one another first
Human beings are creatures of hope. The most devastating challenges dash our hopes for a time, and it takes faith and focus to rebuild ourselves and our relationships. Every one of us has their own individual brand of faith and even couples that feel they have so much in common will find they mend their dashed hopes in very different ways. Unselfish acceptance of our partner, embracing their elements of strength and enduring with them as they power through their weakness should be your top priority as you mire through your challenges together. At the forefront of any resolution needs to be unconditional love and acceptance of one another. Sometimes, our plans to mend our situations may need to be put on pause while our partner regroups. Regardless of what it takes to make your situation whole, there should be no step forward that is not taken together. If you keep your loved one and their needs at the forefront, all other elements of your plan will fall into place in the right way, and at the right time.
5. augment and improvise along the way
As you step forward in faith together, new discoveries will surface, doors may close, windows may open. You may find certain steps in your plan are not working out as you had imagined. Stay in tune with one another so that you recognize when new opportunities arise that you were not expecting, and, if you both agree, change your plan to accept this new offering. Just as challenges arise in our lives that we do not anticipate, so do solutions. Effort is rewarded with opportunity, faith with inspiration. The more closely you are yoked, the more efficiently you will navigate together.
My husband and I just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. The first 10-12 years of our marriage were relatively "smooth sailing." We seemed to have total control over our lives, great things continued to happen, propelling us and our children upward. The last decade has been riddled with trials that would strain any marriage, but these stories are for another day. Regardless of the kind of trial, financial, personal, illness, etc. the principles herein hold true. We would not have made it where we are today through this long battle without the 5 principles shared in this post. We did not always adhere to them, and those were the darkest of times. However, once we shifted our focus to one another and not on our problems, the great things started to happen. Windows opened where doors had previously been closed, and we are now sharing in blessings and miracles together that we could not anticipate even a year, or two ago. Would I want to go through all of this again? Never. However, I would also never trade the rich perspectives I have gathered along my journey. Don't let your problems become bigger than your love for one another. As you focus on each other, clarity will conquer confusion, faith will envelop fear, and peace will utterly obfuscate pride.